I've been thinking a lot lately about what Facebook means to me. How addicted I am... how I mindlessly scroll my feed looking for something inspired or just cute. Or how I desperately want to be valued for what I contribute online... lol, it's sad but true.
But addiction aside, my purpose in writing this is to explore what we choose to display to the world. I'm particularly interested in what we don't expose to others.
Among the many weird aspects of the Facebook universe is that not everyone is on there, and yet it can seem like a person doesn't exist if we don't see them on Facebook. But even on Facebook people come and go. I have numerous friends who "unplug" from time to time, often proclaiming they'll never return. Sometimes this sticks, but more often than not I see them invariably return. Often this cycle repeats over and over. I've been thinking about leaving myself, but I don't currently have the desire or courage to unplug.
Experts often warn that social media separates us into "ideological bubbles" that can indoctrinate and radicalize our beliefs. I see evidence of this in my feed as I have very few conservative friends. So as you can probably assume, I'm exposed to news and opinions with a strong progressive slant. I'm sure you can say the same no matter where you fit on the political spectrum. Over time, it can be easy to assume all this propaganda is what's really happening out there.
But I guess what prompted me to write this is that I was thinking about a person who got married a few years ago. I actually played for her wedding. But I've just noticed that she hasn't included her spouse in any of her recent updates or pictures. I was naturally curious about what happened. So I looked at her timeline and noticed that there was never any mention of a split. Yet when I clicked on her partner's profile, I found out they were living in separate cities. Ostensibly something big had happened in my friend's life. Though she posted pretty much everything else about her life, there was not a mention of this huge life change.
People have personal crises, and I get that we don't want to "air our dirty laundry." Most of us don't want to be an insufferable sourpuss or to make others feel "uncomfortable" or concerned for our well-being, which I understand. I've written so many things in the past that make me cringe today... or that get misinterpreted by others. Sometimes my mom's friends will ask "Is Cliff okay?". I don't think most people know how to handle real vulnerability, especially online. Is Facebook even the place to do it?
We all know people who overshare, and I'm always concerned about being perceived as a Narcissist or oversharer. When in reality, we all are somewhat narcissistic... we all think mostly of ourselves, and our own family or friend drama. My paternal grandmother gave me great advice a few years before her death. She told me I shouldn't worry about what others think of me. She explained that "most people are thinking about themselves". And the older I get, the more this reality sinks in. While it is true that we constantly judge others, our judgments are fleeting... we spend way more time thinking about our own troubles and inadequacies.
We all also know those people who are perpetual victims. And if you are like me you have either defriended them or at least "snoozed" them indefinitely, lol. We have a natural distaste for those personalities, the "pity party" people.
Yet when people project only a "curated" image of themselves- a depiction scrubbed of all "realness" we are turned off as well. Or at least I am... When we show only what we want others to see, we don't offer our friends a complete picture of the person we are. Perhaps we don't want others to see this. I realize FB wasn't intended to be a place for us to connect on a deep level, but like it or not, it is rapidly becoming a secondary "relality" for a lot of us.
And for some people, it may be their only means of connection with the outside world, as sad as that sounds.
I'm not writing this to cast judgment on others, because I'm just as guilty of carefully curating my online image. I do want certain people to notice me, and I do get mildly depressed when something I write falls flat or doesn't generate discussion. I want to be recognized for my ideas and creativity, but I also know others may be turned off by my attention-seeking. It's human nature.
Sometimes we don't get a more authentic representation of a person unless they are tagged by someone else. When someone else tags us, they don't have the same insecurities we do and don't filter out a more genuine representation of who we really are. Yet FB allows us to "control" even this. We can change our settings so that others either can't or must get our permission to tag us—this power further distances our online selves from our physical "real" identity.
We as a species are in uncharted territory. For all of human history, our networks or community was local and people had a much harder time concealing themselves from others... though we've always tried. We've always wanted to project the best of ourselves and hide our vulnerabilities. But it's often our vulnerabilities that make us most appealing to others. That's a hard reality to fully grasp!
Think about it. How do we feel about the person who only broadcasts their successes versus the person who displays a genuine struggle with life? I know I gravitate more to people who show their "imperfections"? It's not that we don't want others to succeed, but if we only see others achieve success, we naturally compare ourselves to them, and we inevitably feel inadequate. Jealousy is intrinsic to all of us, and to pretend otherwise is disingenuous.
So, while Facebook can be an addiction and exacerbate mental illness, it is also the unavoidable future. And it doesn't have to be quite as superficial and toxic as it is today. I think if we make an effort to more accurately portray ourselves... faults and all, it could actually become a place of enlightenment and deep connection.
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